Discussing or describing other people during sex — not actually involving them.
What talking about fantasies involving others is really about
Fantasy. A fantasy shared out loud does something a private one can't: it lets a partner in. The research on this is consistent — couples who trade fantasies rate their communication and satisfaction higher, whether or not a single fantasy gets acted on.
Trade fantasies with a no-judgment, no-obligation frame stated up front
'Tell me more' is the only correct first response
Sort shared fantasies into: act on, talk about, keep as fiction
Communication kinks. Some of the most underrated kinks are just structured honesty: negotiation, check-ins, debriefs, saying the quiet part out loud. Couples who treat the conversation as part of the play consistently report better everything else.
Use a checklist comparison as a date-night activity, not homework
Adopt 'green / yellow / red' as a live vocabulary
Ask 'what should we keep, drop, and add?' after new experiences
Find out if your partner is into it — without asking awkwardly
Is talking about fantasies involving others normal?
Yes. Interest in talking about fantasies involving others shows up across every demographic in sexuality research. The only requirements are consenting adults and honest communication.
How do I tell my partner I'm into talking about fantasies involving others?
Outside the bedroom, low stakes: "I read about talking about fantasies involving others and it stuck with me — curious what you think?" A compatibility checklist you both fill out privately (like Kinda Into That) removes the awkwardness entirely: you only see where you overlap.
What if my partner isn't into it?
A no to one item is not a no to you. Compare full lists instead of litigating one kink — most couples find more overlap than they expected, and the misses matter less next to the hits.